Because sometimes forever isn't enough

I'm feeling suicidal.

Suicidal
Adjective
1. Causing, intending, or relating to suicide: a suicidal act; suicidal impulses. 2. Dangerous to oneself or to one's interests; self-destructive or ruinous: a suicidal corporate takeover strategy.

Yes, I'm seriously feeling suicidal. I think I'm being really sensitive here, but hell, I'm drinking water from the water bottle he gave me and it makes me feel even more suicidal. Maybe I'd go die with the water bottle in my arms. No, that's just pathethic. I'm just feeling suicidal but I won't suicide. It's just that... it doesn't feel right now. Things aren't really working out and I need time to chill and relax.

Sam's away in the camp and it's harder for me because it feels like I'm alone at home. I can't cry. I told myself not to cry. My mum's at home. My brother's at home. I don't want them to worry about me. I seriously don't want anyone to worry about me. I'd be fine. I swear. I just really need some time... Okay god, I'm making things sound serious. FYI, the two horrible words in relationship were mentioned but we didn't agreed to it because we both still loved each other. It's just that he feels that I don't give... enough.

I really don't know what is enough. I already tried my best. Seriously. I'm not open, naturally and I have my friends to handle in school, so it's hard for me to stir up a decent conversation with him in school unless the both of us are sitting together. Because well, he has his friends too, right! I can't just interrupt them while they are talking and go like, "Eh, how's your day?" I'm sure it'd kinda annoy him somehow.

Well, actually I'm pretty annoying right now. Because I'm going on and on about my feelings and I can't help it. I really can't take it. I really need something to get my mind off this. My mum wants to bring me out afterwards. So I guess it'd be good. He's prolly working right now and god knows what would happen. I just hope that when he's working, he'd at least miss me. That's not too much to hope for, right?

There was a big thunderstorm and lightning last night. I was really scared. And the first person that came into my mind was Him and the sad thing is that.. He isn't there. I really miss him and I really don't want to lose him.

This is not the end, right?
I still have hope..