Mr. Endlessly.

Been weeks since I last blogged, so I promise, I'll type a decent blog post. Lots of things happened this week, month and well I'd just like to say I'm really grateful and thankful for having such wonderful besties, friends and a supporting family to back me up. I've not been in the best of moods lately, so let me just give you guys a warm apology. Lately, I've been having trouble clearing my feelings for a certain friend of mine, he's a really sweet guy and when I say that, I mean it.

But somehow, I feel no heart-thumping, butterflies-in-my-stomach feeling when I'm with him, I feel really alive, really happy and really myself when I'm with him. So what does that tell? It's all been a blur for a year now and well I feel really guilty for saying some words that might have hurt him. I personally believe that words hurts more than actions, that's why, no matter how many times I say "I'm Sorry for Hurting You", it still makes me feel worse than shit. Maybe, I'm making things seem way complicated than it seem but seriously, I'm having a BIG time trouble telling apart my feelings.

There was this time when he SMSed and told me he wanted to transfer school and at that moment of time, I felt really empty. I wasn't why, but somehow, I can't picture school days without him. Everday, i hear his voice, at least calling out for me once, his face, I guess I'm used to it already. Believe me when I say this, I cried really badly, trying to persuade him not to transfer school and this is the first time I ever cried so badly for a guy. I have to admit, I cry alot, but I don't cry that badly. It's really painful, and I swear that if he's gone, there'll be a part of my heart that' s hollow. Because he filled in that part and without him, it's empty.

When I read his SMSes, I feel like crying. I feel like smiling. I feel like cursing myself. Why? Don't ask me. Ask the way my heart functions. Crying because I'm really touched, smiling because it makes me feel nice inside, cursing myself because I feel I don't deserve it. Sometimes, I even feel like a burden to him, because I'm not entirely independent and that I need watching out because I'm not emotionally and physically strong. I get hurt easily. I ask too many questions, sometimes, too quiet sometimes, making it hard for people to talk to me.

I wonder why he really cares for me. I find that I can be really annoying at times, and I can hate myself for an eternity. = = Argh, I'm just wasting space self-bashing, so just scroll down, if you find it annoyingly stupid and childish. In case, you guys haven't noticed, I'm still very VERY childish. I throw tantrums alot, I result in violence alot and I curse when I'm not happy and I sulk alot. Nevermind, I'm just indulging myself in self-bashing and that's not a healthy habit! So, WARNING - please don't try this at home.

Anyway, I shall talk about other stuff to make myself feel better. School's been pretty normal, still hate it as usual, chinese new year celebration was pretty normal too, went to my relative's places, collected some hongbao, ate delicious steamboat, played with my adorable baby cousin and well just slack around. Plus, on the last day of holiday, Sam and me spent the night at Eme's place and well we did some stuff and we went back at around 10pm+! Finally, I feel like I'm getting more freedoom! ^_^ Today, we just headed to Eme's place again to finish up homework and we then headed downstairs to the park to play volleyball, run around and play some mini games..

I have to say...the sky at night is really gorgeous. Even if there aren't any stars, the cool breeze and the way the black stretches across the sky, is really soothing, so I hope there'd be a day where I go to my favourite place with my loved one at night and enjoy the scenery.