'Cause it's all About You

If you were to look back at my past entries. You would have remembered me mentioning about Marissa*. I guess i must be the meanie instead of her. I thought things through this morning and finally came to a conclusion. I have no right to backstab her just because i'm jealous or unhappy. I have absolutely no right. I'm selfish by doing so,and it shows that i don't consider her feelings at all.

Just this morning (or was it afternoon),it suddenly rang to me her feelings. I asked myself why i wanted Marissa to tag along. Because i felt that Marissa herself felt rejected by the opposite gender (because it was impossible for her to get so close to many) and that's why I felt that she coming,and mixing with my crush and his pals was a good idea. I totally forgotten about my thoughts about her feelings and just threw this childish tantrum and said the wrong words just because i'm jealous and unhappy. At that moment,I knew I had the chance,I didn't seize it,instead I just sat at a corner,thinking and pondering. Why am I like this? I wish i can just be more open sometimes (especially to him).

Back to Marissa. I felt very bad,and i feel that i'm selfish. Plain selfish. I wanted all my crush attention that i just ignored her feelings and what she wanted. I have this strong sixth sense,and so sometimes i am able to know and read people's minds/feelings. It's weird,but yeah,it's true (it only happens sometimes). I could feel strong vibes from her that she was really unhappy,jealous and felt rejected. She must be envious of those popular girls having all the attention from guys and so she brought sweets to make herself get the limelight. I've been neglecting a friend's feelings. How seflish can I get? I even called Marissa a disgusting creature. Right now,i'm more of the disgusting creature.

Maybe to her,flirting was the last resort in getting attention. Because i believe that Marissa from young was the few girls who wasn't paid attention by the guys. While for me,i was better and more fortunate. I have quite a few guys friends,because to them,i am comfortable to chat with and i'm quite open to them (except for my crush). Right now,even if i want to apologise,all these words will get messed up. It doesn't really matter much if i apologise anyway,it won't really heal the bad feeling I have. I'm an irritating pest to some. They think i'm arrogant,just another one of the girls who wants attention. But honestly,i hate attention. I would rather be one of those quiet girls sitting at a corner,not having any attention at all. I hate attention sometimes. I'm in no need for attention. Instead,i'm in need of feelings. I'm not sure how to phrase this out. But i really want my crush to repay back these feelings badly. Every girl would want their crush to do that. It's weird that i finally admit it,these past few years of crushing.

I should respect Marissa's feelings. Even if her actions are what making me feel so hurt that day,still,i'm at fault too. I heck care if people think of me as another selfish and self-centered girl,who loves blabbering idiotic words. That's just the facade. What's beyond the facade is something that i'm sure only a few will know of. I've been carrying this facade everywhere i go and i guess only my close friends in real life and most of my contacts in MSN will know what's beyond that facade. I really hope my crush will get to know this girl.

I wonder what such an optimistic and plan girl like me can think things till it is in such a complicated state. I was making a prayer last night,at my balcony,i cried a little. It's a little foolish and pathethic of me,but right now,this wish i would want really badly to fulfill is in the hands of fate. It might not come true and i just have to accept the fact by then. I'm suffering from this stupid friendship problem,and to solve it,i first have to change myself and the way i think of others. I feel that sometimes i blurt out words without thinking.

I promise to all that i will turn over a new leaf and maybe try showing this girl beyond that facade out to the world. It might be a mistake but then i'll feel more comfortable. Because that is the real me. This insensitive and daring facade is somebody else. Somebody else i was trying to make up. I want to let you guys know that i'm not suffering at all and neither am i that depressed. Instead,i am grateful. Very grateful that i'm passing by one of life's obstacles and passing it by slowly,independently..i really wish i can rely on myself more. :)

The holidays is a time for me to reflect and to think things through. So,if i happen to blurt out some wrong words that might have hurt your feelings or offend you,i'm awfully and terribly sorry. The next time,you guys try to pair my crush and me up,i will be grateful. Not angry or whatever shit i am before. I must control my temper. When i'm really nervous or happy,i tend to blurt out sour words. But behind every sour word,there lies eternal happiness. :D Thanks so much you guys for helping me out. I'm ever so grateful.

Yes,all names with an * at the behind is change to protect the person's identity. If you happen to know who that person is,please do not tell me,instead just keep it in your heart. I have no intetion of hurting anyone,i'm just blogging my feelings. I want to stretch my hands and help out those who are under such big turmoil. Remember,you might have fooled everyone in the world,but then there's one person you can never fool - yourself.

I'm getting seriously emotional here. So i will stop blogging before i start saying emotional crap. Thanks for taking the time to read this entry. I'm absolutely grateful and thankful. May god bless you,yeah. :) Ciao for now.